Thursday, February 05, 2009

Avoidance

I've been neglecting this blog not because I don't have things to write because I do. I am just having a hard time right now in my life. I last wrote about going to Disney in a week well to be completely honest. I don't want to go. I know it will be fun but with everything going on in my life right now health wise I just want to stay here and get things taken care of sooner than later. I have had so much blood taken in the last year that I am surprised that I still have any left. The other thing that keeps plaguing my mind is all the "what ifs" like what if the plane crashes or what if I get there and get really sick and have to spend the whole time in the hospital, because of what the doctor said. I hate those thoughts but I still have them. I hate the fact that I wear the pain I am in on my face and people then ask me about it and I start crying. Not only that but then they try and diagnose me. The stinking doctor's can't figure out what is going on with me so I really don't think anyone else is going to solve it. I am loosing all faith in doctor's as a whole but I still have faith in God my maker. I know that He is control of this whole situation and He knows what tomorrow will bring. He is holding me and my family in the palm of His hand. I can take comfort in that and it gives me peace. Not that I don't long for comfort and peace in my body because I SO do.

I just want to be that mom who is fun and active and not sitting on the couch balled up in pain or crying every morning because I feel so sick to my stomach. I hate what it is doing to my kids. I want to do things with my kids and create memories with them other than snuggling on the couch because that is all I am capable of doing at the moment. I want me kids to know how much I love them not only by my words but by action too.

8 comments:

Kristin said...

I'll keep you in my prayers.

3 Little Snaps said...

I am sorry you are going through all this. Continue searching for answers they are out there and remember your kids love you and cherish every moment with you!

Megan said...

I will add you to my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Sending you my love, Tonya. Let it all out through the blog. Write your frustrations down. It really does help to release them, at least, for me.

And your kids DO know you're a fun mom. I've seen you with them. They KNOW.

Tracey said...

What the heck? That last comment was mine but said Anon?

The Patterson's said...

Tonya, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Just remember that you are doing what you can to find a diagnosis and solution. I know how hard it is to shift your focus to the positives when things are hard. Take care, and I'll be praying for you!

sarahgrace said...

Oh Tonya! I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time right now! I will be lifting you up in prayer this weekend, and sending hugs your way.

mikeanddebbie said...

Sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time. I'll keep you in my prayers!