Avoidance

I've been neglecting this blog not because I don't have things to write because I do. I am just having a hard time right now in my life. I last wrote about going to Disney in a week well to be completely honest. I don't want to go. I know it will be fun but with everything going on in my life right now health wise I just want to stay here and get things taken care of sooner than later. I have had so much blood taken in the last year that I am surprised that I still have any left. The other thing that keeps plaguing my mind is all the "what ifs" like what if the plane crashes or what if I get there and get really sick and have to spend the whole time in the hospital, because of what the doctor said. I hate those thoughts but I still have them. I hate the fact that I wear the pain I am in on my face and people then ask me about it and I start crying. Not only that but then they try and diagnose me. The stinking doctor's can't figure out what is going on with me so I really don't think anyone else is going to solve it. I am loosing all faith in doctor's as a whole but I still have faith in God my maker. I know that He is control of this whole situation and He knows what tomorrow will bring. He is holding me and my family in the palm of His hand. I can take comfort in that and it gives me peace. Not that I don't long for comfort and peace in my body because I SO do.

I just want to be that mom who is fun and active and not sitting on the couch balled up in pain or crying every morning because I feel so sick to my stomach. I hate what it is doing to my kids. I want to do things with my kids and create memories with them other than snuggling on the couch because that is all I am capable of doing at the moment. I want me kids to know how much I love them not only by my words but by action too.